“Don’t leave me alone” – words I repeated, over and over again – to everyone who visited me, to everyone who asked me what I needed. Do you know how beautiful it is to witness and feel all the love, passion, and care that you poured out, be poured back into you? I never doubted that I was loved, but these past 364 days have shown me the depth and reach of that love. I am loved here on earth as I am in the spirit world and that is a divine feeling.

For 4 months, I sat in the darkness – I chose to sit in the darkness – I looked at my pain and trauma and anger, and it looked right back at me. I am not sure what compelled me to take those 4 months to figure it out – I just knew that I needed to heal, to integrate this loss. As for everything else, it was going to figure itself out. It was probably one of the best things that I could have done for myself – for my family and community.

For 4 months it was discovery after discovery – it felt unrelenting. To have my heart broken so many times. To recall my dreams from the universe, the ether. To have the rose colored glasses shattered. To come to conclusions and realizations; to witness the darkest and most evil parts of humanity during the most vulnerable time of my life. It was maddening. It was painful beyond these words – beyond the comprehension of my earthly body.

Those 4 months were also full of people in my home – my home was full of meals, laughter, reunions, tears, and healing. So much healing. So much love. I truly hope the people who visited me, who did not leave my side, know their hand in my survival. I hope you know that your voice guiding me in this dark tunnel was what got me to the other side. You reflected the most beautiful parts of me, right back – you reminded me of the future that I was meant to have, that I am having – during some of the darkest moments in my life. I am forever grateful for the path that my grief journey took. I am grateful that the darkness did not consume me, the darkness did not win, the darkness didn’t take me – the darkness, it only gave me depth. I now understand the depth of myself.

I am not the same person I was 364 days ago. I am not that person who walked from the bedroom door to the bathroom, nor the same person that walked from that bathroom to the patio, nor that patio to this moment in time; and all the paths I walked in between.

I have most definitely aged as a result of all that I lived – I am stronger, incredibly strong. I am smarter, more discerning, more empathetic, more compassionate – more loving. I walk in gratitude everyday and there are some things I just really don’t give a shit about. My soul came to this earth to get some work done, and man, has work been done.

The fire that burned around me, bowed to the fire that was within me.

And now, I get to really work towards living a fulfilled life. My Ancestors – Esteban, Mama Consuelo, Papa Lupe – walked with me every step of the way, held me every step of the way, prayed for me every step of the way. And I know that they are conspiring with my Soul, the universe and Creator to align me to my path.

Love prevailed. Community. Hope. Growth. My humanity – all prevailing from a catastrophe meant to rid me from this earth. I prevailed. I am prevailing. And oh, how glorious it feels.

Photo of the sunrise is Zihuatanejo while I was there in August/September.